The things I never learned

I am most thankful for the things that I did not learn as a child and refuse to accept as an adult. I did not learn to be fearful of anything and so fear has rarely held me back. I did not learn that failure means I am not good enough and that gives me the confidence to try again. I did not learn to mistrust first and that has allowed me to see the good in people. I did not learn to simply accept things as they are and it's made me willing to question and to work for positive change. I did not learn to doubt myself and that's made me confident enough to stand up and to deal with adversity. I did not learn just one way of thinking and that gave me the tools to discover how to think instead of just what to think. I did not learn to hate and that only left the option to love. It may be strange to think this way, but I am more concerned sometimes with making sure my daughter doesn't learn those things than I am with what she does. I think that once you learn something it's pretty hard to unlearn it and children pick up on everything they see. If we don't stop hating, if we don't stop mistrusting, if we live in fear, If we doubt ourselves, and if we simply accept things as they are then the next generation will learn to do those things too. For me the best way to avoid those things is to never teach them in the first place. I am a seeker of knowledge, but I am very glad for those things I never learned.

Random thoughts on time

My watch broke a week ago and yet I feel more constrained by time now than I did when I actually knew what time it was. I used to think that there was a certain freedom in not knowing (ignorance is supposed to be bliss), but instead I find myself thinking more about time and worrying that I will be late for something. I never want to be the person who spends all day looking at their watch. I remember one Sunday when I was in high school that the pastor pulled out his watch as he began the sermon and said, "if you are wearing one of these, take it off and put it in your pocket because this may take a while." I actually don't remember the sermon, what I remember was the point that if we are worried about time we may miss the most important messages and we can never really focus on anything.

There never seems to be enough time, but sometimes it's also all we have. Whether it's time spent with someone you love, the time it takes to accomplish a goal, or simply a perception of what we are supposed to be doing, most people always seem to be in such a hurry that they miss the enjoyment of the journey and can only focus on wherever they think they need to be. The other day I walked thirty minutes each way to a meeting that lasted for only twenty minutes. It might seem like I wasted my time, but most days I feel like I can get more accomplished in a thirty minute walk than is usually accomplished in a three hour meeting. We plan our days giving just enough time to drive as fast as we can or to run as fast as we can from one thing to the next. We schedule one thing on top of another until there's no time for ourselves. We plan even when we don't think we are planning because we are always thinking of the next thing we are supposed to do (so much so that we fail to ever really be fully present in anything or with anyone). I understand that life can seem so short, but what's the point of hurrying if we can't enjoy the ride. I think our greatest obstacles to peace, love, joy and God exist in the hustle bustle, because we get so caught up in it that we miss what's right in front of us.

I guess the irony for me is that in my everyday living I am rarely in a hurry and yet in my goals for life I always am and I lament that I have not done enough. I walk almost everywhere I can and I plan things way a head of time so that if there's no time for my plan it doesn't bother me because I was just getting things done early anyway. A great pastor once told me that she spends her day filling the time between interruptions and that ministry happens in the interruptions. For me it's not just ministry that happens in the interruptions, it's life, so I get things done early in order to be able to give my full attention to every interruption. I am very intentional about life so that i don' t have to be in a hurry and so that I can get the most out of every moment. I preach and pray all that time that we are able to see God in every moment and that we will allow ourselves to be inspired. It's okay to want to get somewhere, I just hope we don't forget why we are going in the first place. You are only wasting time if you fail to use it.

A Theology of Hide and Seek

The other day I was playing hide and seek with my 2 year old and she kept telling me where she was going to hide. At first I told her that she should just hide and not tell me, but then I realized that she has a total grasp on the actual purpose of the game. We are not supposed to hide and not be found, we are hiding so that we can be found and her favorite part is being found. Isn't this really what we do with God. We hide, it seems like all the time we try to hide, but in the end we are really just hoping to be found. How often do we run away or stay away thinking we just can't don't need God or we just don't need our church or Mosque or Synagogue, or that what we really need is something else? How often do we play this game with each other trusting that others will always be there no matter how long we hide? Yet each time (once we are ready) what we really want is to be found. When I was in graduate school the first paper I had to write was on Psalm 139 where it talks about playing hide and seek with God. There is no darkness, no high place and no low place where we can truly hide from God, so I wonder why we keep trying. I guess I realized in playing with my daughter that sometimes we hide because it is good to be found. What I mean is that sometimes I am not even sure we realize that we are hiding until we are found and we rejoice at being found. I suppose the other side of this is that in the game (and in life) once we are found we are meant to be the seeker. When God find us our response needs to be that we turn around and renew our quest to find God. I believe that we are meant to be seekers and I believe that God wants to be found. My two year old understands this so maybe one day the rest of us can see the wisdom in letting everyone know where we are hiding so that we will never fail to be found.

Changed

I think that whenever you experience something outside of your routine it changes you. If that something is profound it changes you even more. It’s not about changing the things that are fundamentally you (though even this is possible), it is about the sometimes subtle changes in your heart and mind. I don’t think you can realize until after you have returned to the routine how you have been effected and affected by the other. I am home now from five weeks of extraordinary experience and I am excited to see for myself how I have been changed. I left with an open mind and I return with perhaps an even more open one (though not in the way I might have expected). Perhaps my greatest learning was to be able to listen to the closed minded and to feel their struggle. It is important to be with people you don’t agree with and to be open to how their experience might change you.

You learn a lot about yourself when you spend a month with people who don’t know anything about you. Everyone might come with preconceived notions about the others. Certainly my external persona is that of a White Mainline Protestant Male Pastor and assumptions are always going to be made because those are indeed a part of who I am. I cannot nor do I want to hide these things, but the questions is, “will I let these things be all that I am?” How much of myself am I willing to show beyond the surface? The other question is, “can I be myself or should I put on some kind of mask so that I will be more acceptable?” Most of us wear those masks even more often than we think. We don’t trust in the reactions of others so we tell them what they want to hear or only as much as we think they can handle. The second questions has never been a problem for me as I tend to be more honest than I should at times, trusting in the reaction of others even when perhaps it has gotten me into trouble or hurt someone else’s feelings in an unintentional way. I try very hard to be authentic because that is what I expect of others. I don’t like superficial questions with superficial answers and I struggle to find much appreciation for disingenuinous people. The first question is crucial for me not because I don’t want to be known as more than a surface level persona, but because a part of who I am is very reserved emotionally. I rarely show emotions and yet I consider myself emotional. That means that being me is being reserved in that way, but how do you get that across. After a month I feel known at least by the people who wanted to know me and I feel like in some ways I shared more of myself in those four weeks than I have had the chance to share in years with a church. It was a freeing experience even for one who tries to be open and honest in all things.

I am inspired by the relationships that I formed and I am changed I believe for the better because of those relationships and this experience.

Interfaith Chapel at Heath-Row

if you are following my other blog this will be a repeat, but I wanted to put it here as well since it is a continuation of my travels. I was in London’s Heath-Row airport for only four hours, but one of the things I did was to find the “interfaith chapel” so that I could pray. I am a constant prayer. I believe that I am always in prayer of one kind or another in an ongoing conversation with God and in my own consideration of the grace in creation. Most of the time it is just a moment of focused thought or a whispered word of gratitude for the moments and opportunities placed before me, but I find myself praying more formally these days (perhaps it is the morning prayers we had at Bossey, my heightened appreciation for the devotion of Islam or maybe just my orthodox friends rubbing off on me)and I felt compelled to go to the chapel. I happened to enter the chapel just as the second of the five prescribed Muslim prayer times began. I sat down and prayed my prayer as the four Muslim men went through their own ritual of prayer. It felt natural and it made me wonder why we seem to make it so difficult that we need conferences to learn about each other and to learn to get along. We were all praying (and in this case we were all praying to the same God). They didn’t seem to mind that I was there and I actually appreciated that they were there(it somehow made the room feel more sacred and it legitimized the room as a room for prayer). The room has no adornments, but there is a cabinet which holds mats for praying and it looked like there were other things like Bibles and crosses in there too. I noticed the sign outside advertising “Anglican ecumenical services” open to all Christians several times a week and I wondered what it would be like to conduct services there in that little room for weary travelers seeking some spiritual sustenance as they continue on their journeys. I wonder who attends and I wonder what they are really looking for. It made me think of my own position and to ask whether what I do in my church is any different. I seek through God to offer something for the journey. I see the weariness of life and I feel compelled to offer service in the name of a God that I feel has served me and continues to serve me. I see the joy of life and I am compelled to offer praise and to share that joy so that it can spread. I see seekers thirsting for knowledge and I look for ways in which we can discover that knowledge together. I see God in people and I seek to know their story. I see that interfaith chapel at the world’s busiest airport as a microcosm for “parish of the world” as John Wesley would put it. We have so much to learn, and yet sometimes it can be as simple as sitting in a room together as we each pray our prayers and acknowledge the God who made us.

Versailles

There is a room at Versailles that is supposed to depict the history of France and struck me that every painting is about a war. It’s interesting that the entire history of a country can be captured in a history of the battles in which it has fought. As I walked through the halls I found myself recalling the wall around the Red Cross Museum with it’s listing of all the conflicts and wars every year since its inception. Here was an even longer depiction with the same theme; only this time it was about defining a nation, not demonstrating how necessary humanitarian aid and medical care are. This time it was celebrating the Kings, Saints, Popes, Generals and yes even the “Emperor” Napoleon himself (with George Washington thrown in to represent the French help in the revolution and their “unwavering commitment to freedom around the globe”). I am not trying to be critical of France or the French, in fact I am more appreciative than I ever had been for the contributions of the French to the world, but it saddens me that war is how we tell our histories and how we define ourselves. I did appreciate that beneath each massive painting was a photograph or some story depicting a more recent conflict and pointing to the paradox of war and peace, the atrocities of hate and to the continuing struggles in the world. I guess I prefer a history that does not deny war, but focuses rather on the results. I am reminded of a famous painting of the American Revolution that depicts not a scene of conflict, but rather a signing of the Treaty of Versailles which recognized the sovereignty and independence of the United States or of the signing of the Declaration of Independence which lead to the Treaty of Versailles. We can not forget the brave people who fought for the ideals of their nations (on both sides of every conflict), but we also must remember what they fought to achieve; otherwise all that war is even more tragic than war in general already is. I for one have had enough of wars.

A Tourist Guide/Diary

I am beginning to feel like this has turned into a tourist's guide, and while that's not my intention I guess it is. I was bothered by this at first, but then I realized that no matter what I write, if it's true, then it is a travel guide of sorts. Life is a journey and we are all traveling through it. Everywhere we go and everywhere we have been informs where we will go next. Traveling is about gaining knowledge through new experiences in new places or about returning somewhere to find what you missed or maybe what you lost the last time you were there. I myself am a traveler. I have been away from home for nearly five weeks and yet I don't really miss it. I guess I have always been this way since at the age of 6 I went with a friends family on vacation for a week and made my mother very sad because I didn't miss home. I miss people, but only to a point because even then I have an unwavering belief that if I am meant to see them again I will and we will make up for all the missed hugs and loss of time. I guess I could also say that I carry home with me in the vivid memories of the people and places which are special to me so it's hard to feel something missing when I hold it with me. I hope I never loose my will to travel, because if I do I fear that I will have lost myself and my sense of wonder which keeps me going. I crave what is out there and I believe we are all meant to leap into the river of opportunities that flows constantly before us.